March is full of new life as blossoms burst all around us. 

After waiting 13 years for our first baby I am so aware of the community that I have come to know over the years. Women who long to hold a baby of their own (bio or adopted). We’ve built some deep friendships and in some ways I feel like I left them behind.

I know that we don’t control these things, they are up to the Lord, but…it still does’t take away the feeling of guilt. Not only do I hold my baby that I longed and prayed for but I now carry another life within. 

I’ve had two friends loose a dear baby this month. Words seem small and almost insulting to a loss of such magnitude. I do know that simply acknowledging a baby -no matter how short of life- is comforting to any parent. Leaning into their grief may feel unknown and awkward at times but it really maters. 

I have learnt a few things over the years from our own infertility journey: 

1. Joy and Grief come together in this life. We all have times we experience them and sometimes it’s at the same moments. There is a Bible verse I have pondered and lived out many times, “weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice.” I remember attending baby showers and needing to step away for a few private tears. I was thrilled of Amy friend, but deeply sad at our own loss. Joy and grief….together.
2. I wanted to live in such a way that if my prayers ever did come true that I wouldn’t look back over those years with regret. Life doesn’t stop for grief and in many ways it’s a mercy. I loved on my friends’ children, I attended the showers and I pursued my career as a photographer. I lived such a rich and full life during that time of waiting.
3. God is such a comfort. I prayed for a baby of our own for many years and during that time God was so near. Looking back I’m thankful for the times that I felt that intimate with the Lord.

I hope you or someone you love might find this comforting or helpful in some small way. 

I love this passage of scripture: 

“I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. 

My frame was no hidden from You. When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. 

Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there are none of them.“

Psalm 139: 14-16