October is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. My thoughts have felt like a jumbled puzzle and it took me until the last day to finally sit down and write out a few things I’ve learnt over the years and felt the last few months.

My husband and I struggled with infertility for 13 years. We are currently expecting our first baby in 5 weeks and it still feels surreal.

Things I’ve struggled with during my pregnancy:

1. Calling our baby a miracle baby. Every baby is a miracle and since I’ve gone through the physical process of it I am even more convinced of this. But, while our baby is an absolute miracle, I don’t want to take away what God gave but also do not in any way want to diminish the specialness of each child. Whether is a long awaited for child -biological or adopted- or your eighth, each one is special and unique. “For you created my inmost being: you knit me together in my mother’s womb.” Psalm 139: 13-18
2. Telling my friends we are expecting when they are still waiting. I acutely remember all the baby announcements while I longed to hold one of my own. It’s a pain so deep you can hardly put into words. I read this Bible verse today and it’s incredibly true. “The barren womb is never satisfied.” Proverbs 30:15 & 16
3. Wrestling with fear. The first and second trimester of my pregnancy I was so sick I couldn’t think much beyond each day. My third trimester has been so much fun. I have my energy back, I can feel our baby boy kicking and I thoroughly enjoy it! But I have noticed fear creeping in…I actually feel pretty confident about the actual birth but this nagging fear of our baby’s safety has gotten louder. I keep thinking of the scripture of “bringing my thoughts captive.” A few things that really help me is taking long walks and prayer. Somehow it settles my mind and lets me release my fears and trust that God is in control. 2 Corinthians 10:5
4. We aren’t guaranteed a baby if we pray for one. Daniel and I both feel cautious about saying “we feel so blessed” in reference to our baby. We were incredibly blessed over the years and weren’t eyeing praying for a bio-baby at the time. We were praying our adoption would go through. God had other plans and we are so grateful.
5. We had to put our adoption on pause. We had two potential adoption placements fall through two weeks before we saw our positive pregnancy test. Those were slow and sad weeks. We had to give up our plans, we had to hold onto hope even though we felt weary. I remember getting on my knees and telling God I didn’t know if I could hold on much longer. I felt like I had reached the end of myself and I was so confused. Little did we know what lay ahead. So many people told us: “We hear of this happening all the time! You are waiting to adopt and you get pregnant.” Yes, we did too. But after doing paperwork for 3.5 years you don’t think it will happen to you.
6. How to hold my joy while others loose a baby. This one has been the hardest for me. There have been multiple babies born with complications I have known of and my baby continues to grow perfectly without any concerns. It’s hard to hold both, joy and sorrow. Each year of life I realize it’s a component of life we all have to learn to juggle. “Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.” ‭‭Romans‬ ‭12:15
7. My pregnancy disqualifies my years of infertility. I have told so many women over the years that even if you waited one year or twenty, don’t disqualify the growth that comes through struggle and surrender. Now my husband is having to tell me the same thing. I’m trying to believe it. Women still reach out to me asking how to live well with Infertility and suddenly I feel like I shouldn’t speak into it. God showed me so much over the years, I don’t want to hold that only to myself.

Lessons that I learnt during my years of Infertility:

1. Entering into other’s joy. Please hear my heart on this…there were so many times a friend told me of another pregnancy and I went home and sobbed. Grief is unpredictable and one moment I would feel excited and the next announcement I would need time grieve…to lament. If your heart is feeling fragile, you need to protect it. But I did push myself to celebrate each new life. I attended the baby showers and made meals for new mothers. And now? Now all those years of entering into my friend’s lives has felt powerful. They can enter my joy with such fullness, they don’t need to hold back or tiptoe. It’s an incredible gift to me and to them.
2. Find a support group. The frantic desire for one and loneliness led me to host an event myself-with the help of my twin sister. We hosted an intimate day with women who struggled with Infertility….some had struggled for years, some had secondary infertility, some had adopted and others chose IVF. The comfort and safety when I walked into a room of women who “just knew” was incredible. We shared stories and walked away with friendships that have lasted for years.
3. There will be times you need to be around children and there will be times you need a break. I am a newborn photographer and was a nanny to three children for 6 years. Holding babies was such a comfort to me, they are so innocent and sweet, it felt like a balm. I loved being a nanny but I also knew when I needed a change and felt burnt out. Be aware of your feelings and be honest with yourself.
4. Find a trusted friend. This friend doesn’t need to be another woman struggling with Infertility herself, I have found great comfort in several women who have multiple children of their own. They should be someone you can see in person and touch bace regularly. They listened well. They are confidential and hold my trust. It’s a two way relationship- we both serve each other in various ways. This is a sign of a healthy relationship.
5. God is good and his heart is so gentle. Tell Him your feelings even if you struggle with anger or sadness. Your relationship will grown deep and you will find yourself rooted in Him.

What I have loved about pregnancy:

1. My husband and I have been through many experiences. We moved to a city from the country, we both started our own businesses, he was ordained a minister last year and yet…this by far has been the most exciting adventure. We look at each other like we are high school again. Becoming parents -even though it’s not how we thought- has been thrilling.
2. God’s heart is for us. Sometimes I am amazed at how lavish God’s gifts can be. He has been faithful in the sad years, the hard waiting and the exciting days ahead. I cannot fathom going through heartache without His presence in my life.
3. The joy a new baby brings. Our little boy has been lovingly dubbed at the “Union Market Baby” by our community. Our friends and family have rallied around us with so much love and support, it humbles us and we feel undeserving at times.

I’m still wading through emotions and sorting out life’s questions but I am so deeply grateful to carry this gift. I hold it carefully and sometimes fearfully.

Photo Credits go to my dear friends Marie and Jessica. Very grateful for their generosity and talent.